Thursday, July 28, 2011

My time starts now...

If you listen to the stories my mother loves to share (thanks, Mum), I have always attempted to read the Sydney Morning Herald. In fact, I used to go and sit on the closed toilet, feet dangling far from the floor, with the paper stretched as far as my arms could manage. (I'd seen my grandfather doing the same in his armchair, apparently.) 
This love for the Herald has continued on, and I particularly love their old segment, Your Time Starts Now.
Naturally, I got in on the act.  

My earliest memory is... Excitedly telling my mother I understood the difference between 'to', 'two' and 'too', after telling her one lunchtime 16 years ago, "I want to have two sausages too!"
At school, I... was the shortest, the youngest, and apparently the smartest. Essentially, I was the 'est' of the school.
My first relationship was... with a blue and white whale, recently donated to Vinnies. He and I were great pals. He spoke by emitting a high pitched squeak only decipherable by me and walked on his tail fin.
I wish I'd never worn... where to begin? The ruched shirt that resembled a tablecloth, or the baggy skate pants?
I wish I hadn't... gone into that emo/skater phase. That's going to take a lot of explaining in a few years.
At home I make... cakes. So much cake.
I'm very bad at... being patient and not concocting scenarios in my head where I am far wittier than I'll ever be verbally. Also, admitting I'm wrong.
When I was a child I wanted to... write, teach, write, train dolphins, write, become a musician, write, become a professional skater, write, design clothes, write, design costumes, write, paint and write while selling books. I may or may not have settled on one or two of those.
It's not fashionable but I love... chick lit, chick flick, bad romance novels and some really questionable 90s songs.
The books that changed my life are... Harry Potter, the Bible, House of the Scorpion, Agent Angel and Taming of the Shrew (not a book, I know. But so perfect). All at varying times of my life; Harry Potter and the Bible continue to do so. Potter for the amazing techniques (why, Mr Horvath, why couldn't we study this in high school? So much more informative than Wuthering Heights) and the Bible... well, because its message is amazing.
If only I could... say half of the witty things my head conjures, without them becoming fail slowps.
My last meal would be... chicken schnitzel, mashed potato and garlic tomatoes, skin peeled. Maybe a tad of onion salad, too. With cheese empanadas. Oooh, and cheesecake. I will go to heaven exploding out of my jeans and my breath reeking.
Friends say I am... "... really crazy. THAT'S A COMPLIMENT PUT DOWN THE FORK."
What I don't find amusing are... rampant sexism ("you're lucky we let you vote, don't put a stupid woman in power" - not even kidding, not said in jest) and rampant racism.
My most humiliating moment was... playing Capture the Flag. I was chasing my crush, literally. I sprung from the line with a sense of hope that I'd defy all conventions my unfit body had crafted, and that I'd catch him.
That's where the memory goes black.
It comes back when I'm sitting in a completely different location, being asked if I remember my name. I reply with "... it's Tash. What's with the stupid questions?"
Arriving home, I cried. Not because I was in pain, not because I had a nosebleed and a split lip and possibly a concussion, but because my family were giggling at me and I was humiliated beyond belief. Then I refused to go to sleep in case I suffered an aneurysm during the night because I’d actually hit a vital nerve of some description in the collision.
My boss saw me the next day. "Chasing after boys again, Tash?"
She really had no idea how close to the mark she was. And I can't look that guy in the eye, even though I now have no feelings for him whatsoever.
I am always being asked... "Do you have a boyfriend? No? Why not?"
If I wasn't me I'd like to be... possibly my dog, Tuscany. She seems to live a cruisy life.
Failing that, I'd like to be JK Rowling.
I often wonder... what on earth is going to happen in my life?

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