In my warm cavern, I knew exactly why I was feeling like this. Hopes get raised, you let yourself get unnaturally excited - and then the things fall through. It's a pattern that everyone would be used to (or at the very least have experienced). I curled deeper under the blankets, wanting to sit and wallow. My mother used to howl at my teenaged self for wallowing when I was in the throes of depression, so I knew it probably wasn't the best option. But for once this year, especially seeing as it's nearly over, I felt like dwelling on just losing something - again - that I thought would come to pass by now. I deserved an epic time of wallowing, and my gosh, I was going to wallow and it was going to be glorious.
God, however, had other plans for my extreme wallowing session. As I lay there, possibly scowling at the body pillow I had shamelessly pilfered from my father's room, I remembered verses I was reading last night. It wasn't a case of "open Bible and pick verse that makes you feel better about the situation without any Godly guidance" (something I was guilty of doing as a 15 year old). Last night's reading was a set of Psalms, with a Proverb as well.
The Psalms, I can't remember where I started and where I finished. But as I read - these were Psalms I'd clearly gone over before, considering how little space there was to underline - one verse just sung out to me.
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!
Searching for it right now, the NLT seems like it fits me more.
He gives a childless woman a family, making her a happy woman. Praise the Lord!
***When I was younger (and only a few years ago, when I count back), I didn't want anything with family and children. I would be suave, would marry when I'd had a chance to travel and work on an illustrious career as a writer, and definitely wouldn't be having children - I mean, really? Why do it? The guy I had in my head as marrying was definitely not interested in children either. We would, much to my father's distress, live a life without children, and it would be pretty fun. Even as a child, I don't recall wanting to start a family the way I remember my cousins did. I remember looking at my height in comparison to a baby's and going, "Well, that's just too small. What is it going to do if it's that small?"
Yet almost overnight, this changed. I suddenly wanted this, and the only way I can see it is that God wanted it for me. Robyn - my lovely Sunday School teacher - used to tell us that God would work in us as we grew in Him, and that our desires would change to reflect His desires for our lives.
Last night, God was reminding me of that. This morning, He did the same. It's going to happen, daughter. Be patient.
Upon occasion, I regret asking God to teach me patience. I regret not being specific and asking him to teach me it in a textbook manner, rather than by experience. This was one of those times.
I don't want to wait, I protested. I want it now. SIAGAUONGONAIJOWR,QPWOMOIM. (Yes, I now frustratedly-babble as though I'm slamming my head against a keyboard. It's a fun way of doing things.)
No reply at this point. I closed my eyes, really not wanting to get out of bed. But I did. I dragged my feet out, reminded myself that in lieu of church this morning, I would be listening to music and praising, and I would be getting my heart in it.
I opened my phone, and the last app open had been YouVersion, still sitting there glowing at me. And the verse there?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
One that most every Christian would have engraved on their hearts. But God reminded me of it again. Trust me. Rely on me. Things will happen when they're meant to.
The awesome thing about God is that His timing is always perfect. The frustrating thing is waiting for it sometimes. But patience, they say, is a virtue - one that I am lacking. (I mean, it's a complete shock to me that I still haven't opened Trina's Christmas present to me, considering how it's meant to make me fangirl. Which makes me think God's slowly cultivating patience in me. Huh. Nice to see things growing, when I consider it.) Time to start praying that I stop being a goose, and just let God have it. In my far-future (which is probably where family and all that come); in my near, where I wonder if I'm meant to stay in Brisbane or go to Melbourne, or if I'm even meant to continue studying. All of it is His.
Why? Because He is truly amazing, and learning from experience has shown me that if I keep a hold of my problems, I just freak out all over the place. Best to give it to the Father who knows all.