Wednesday, October 3, 2012

♪ she paints pictures on the wall, she eats all of the garden ♪

I was talking with my brother yesterday about a number of different things, and as Dragon's Are You Old Enough? played on the TV, we wondered about the possibility of escaping, and whether escaping is different to running.
He told me that he would like to 'escape', to use my word, more for the sake of change. To get out of ruts.
Me? I'd like to escape for the sake of escaping. Just to go somewhere else and find out if I'm different when I'm elsewhere.

There are two main places where I'd love to go, and Melbourne is top on my list for it not being too far away, and for it being so very gorgeous. What has crept into my mind, though, is that it's actually a possibility. Melbourne could happen sooner than I think. I sit here, typing away and carefully avoiding assignments, and the realisation hits me that in four weeks, I'm in my final year of study at QUT. After that, I'm free, really. I can go to Melbourne if I want. I can study there if I choose to. I can decide against that, go and get a job, start working full time in media somewhere. It's sort of frightening, really. 
But there's the thing. Part of me wants to embrace the fear.

At the moment, I don't have much going on, and I'm fully aware a year could change that. My life is sort of in limbo at the moment. I'm not sure what's going where, and figuring that out is requiring too much headspace and worry settling in my belly. (Signs, again. People can't we just use flipping signs it would make all of our lives easier and dealing with everyone would become simple. I'm going to make this a thing everywhere.) I wonder if two months at home will clarify that, or if two months at home will make me more confused. 
Who knows. Life is just confusing.
And if it's confusing, shouldn't I just shake it up some more? Adding more confusion to the mix can hardly be a bad thing.

But one day I want to be sitting in Melbourne, in my apartment or in my house, with a job I love and - if God chooses to bless me in this way - a family. Pipe dream perhaps, as much of a dream as London is. Maybe I'm meant to stay in a city (I don't think I could ever go back to Ballina-like surrounds). I don't know. 
This coming year, though - let's say from now til September next year - there's going to be a lot of thought going on, and a lot of things that might change.

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